Ask Dr. Annie K: Breaking The Cycle

I lack trust in my boyfriend of 7 months. This has been caused by his total and complete honesty of his past relationships, which honesty is a good thing, but it has triggered my insecurities, fear of being hurt and that bad feeling in my stomach. When he brings up his past flings in causal conversation or accidentally calls me by his exes name, is still friends with the opposite sex that he has had history with…it is testing my insecurities. As of recent, his ex girlfriend reached out and I wanted to know the extent of the message she sent him so I went through his phone. This lead me to finding promiscuous photos of other past exes (none of which were sent during our time together) and several pictures of other woman that look like screenshots from social media. He was single for three years prior to our relationship so I am unsure and feel weird about what I found. Everything outside of this is good. We have a lot in common and care about each other very much. And he is not in the wrong for having a history before me. I am just not sure what to do and how to address why I feel this way about our relationship. It probably has something to do with things I need to fix about myself, but want to make sure I am not missing any signs.

Also, I have come to realize that I have a vindictive side of me. Ive been reflecting on past situations and I know it comes out full force when I feel bad/disrespected because I think something is happening to me. I hold grudges, punish people for past situations, I resent them without communicating how I feel. I need to stop doing this or I will lose and push away everything and everyone near and dear to me. I resent my family, I resort to acting like them – defensive, passive aggressive, non-commutative, selfish. It’s not right and makes me feel horrible. I need to communicate better and use the “I feel” method with all my relationships. I think I am ready to put in the work to fix myself so I don’t resort to how I was taught to deal with conflict. I think I can do this, I want to be better, to do better. I know I have a good heart and have a lot of love to give. I just need to let the resentment go that I’m holding onto with my family so there’s room for growth, peace and happiness. Is this fix something I do when another situation happens and I hold my actions accountable or is there something else I can do so I can be better?

Thank you for listening and possibly any guidance you might have.

Sincerely,
Someone who wants to break the cycle

We have no secrets
We tell each other everything
About the lovers in our past
And why they didn’t last…

Carly Simon

Dear Someone who wants to break the cycle,

Thank you for reading loveandmedicine and for reaching out.

Both of your questions address relationships. Let’s start with your new boyfriend.

Being in a mutually caring relationship is a wondrous thing. Things are good

Whomever we meet will have a past. He is being painfully honest about his, which is stirring up feelings of insecurity in you. These feelings are so strong they led to invasion of his privacy in a big way. Doubt and anxiety are setting in.

Your feelings are entirely normal in this situation. It is not easy to hear about old girlfriends and imagine him with anyone else. He has been in other relationships – they are over. The fact is he has chosen you. These are the early stages – try to keep the focus on trusting your feelings when you are with him. As long as he is monogamous now, then these thoughts are based on irrational fears. Focus on the positives in your relationship. As you gain confidence in him and in the relationship, you’ll have less of a need to snoop around. It is hard to build a relationship based on trust when you are, at the same time, violating that trust.
 
Flow with it. Try to focus more on the present, rather than the past or the future. Practice gratitude every day.

Regarding the family conflict, your desire to repair it means that it matters to you. You don’t want to lose them. I can see you have insight into your challenges and that is half the battle. You also have the tools to follow through with your plans to repair it. 

The common thread to both questions is insecurity. This makes you doubt your partner and family. It leads to ineffective communication which then leads to grudges. Holding grudges are a manifestation of suppressed communication. 

You may benefit from one to one personal attention to break this pattern. Bouncing things off a caring friend or professional can offer other perspectives. You are insightful and intuitive. That is on the cerebral level. Practicing mindfulness, self trust and gratitude should be part of the plan also. 

You are on a new journey that can be scary but is also exciting. You are brave enough to reach out for help. Trust yourself. 

Dr. Annie K

Ask Dr. Annie K: Legitimizing Mental Illness

I recently felt the need to take a mental health day off work. I had to tell my boss I was also feeling physical illness symptoms in order to justify my absence. Why does society act as if leave from work is only justified if I am physically ill?

– Anonymous

Dear Reader,

You have touched on a very sensitive topic for me. What you are describing is having to “legitimize” your illness by adding physical complaints. 

Unfortunately, even in this day and age, mental illness is treated differently than other illnesses. It is considered a weakness to have a mental health problem. People expect you can just “get over it.” Just eat healthy, exercise, breathe and it will go away.

Continue Reading

Ask Dr. Annie K: Post-Menopause

 

I am 5 years post menopausal and feel like crap. Going through menopause was/is one of the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I went through at the early age of 43 🙁 I haven’t felt like me in years. I have always exercised and I eat a very healthy diet comprised mainly of veggies, but I’m fatter then I’ve ever been and gaining by the years. I am so tired of people telling me this is a normal part of aging! I have seen plenty of older women that still look and feel amazing. How do I know if my hormones are out of whack? What can I do if they are? I don’t like to take any medications if possible.

Love+Medicine

Thank you for asking about this very important issue, one that troubles many women. Our knowledge and understanding of menopause is pretty pathetic, considering all women go through it!

Continue Reading

Ask Dr. Annie K: Sex and Aging

My husband, who is 78, can’t climax. He has the desire but loses the urge after a short time. He has had ed for several years but could still finish up to the last year or so. Is this age related? Any hope?
– Anonymous

Love+Medicine

 

Thank you for this great question. I assure you that many of my readers are interested.

This is a condition called Delayed Ejaculation (DE) or Anorgasmia. The erection is there but no climax. The answer to your first question, whether it is age related is yes. About 1/3 of men your husband’s age have problems reaching climax.

Let’s take a look at the science behind the male sexual response to understand what is going on. It is a cascade of events originating in the brain but involving the entire body. One system relaxes the body allowing for blood flow to the penis (erection), the other follows up with contractions necessary for ejaculation. These processes are sweetly choreographed to reach the big O.

What can cause DE?

Drugs – It is well known that antidepressants cause sexual dysfunction. Here are some others:
Alcohol
Diphenhydramine (Benedryl)
H2 blockers (Tagamet, Zantac, Pepcid)
Hydrochlorothiazide
Atenolol
Opiates
Furosemide (Lasix)
Triamterine (Maxzide)
Estrogen
NSAIDs (Ibuprofen)
Pseudoephedrine (Sudafed)
Finasteride (Propecia, Proscar)
Lipid-lowering agents
Digoxin
Levodopa (Sinemet)

Heart Disease – The arteries of the penis are often the first to show atherosclerosis.

Weak Pelvic Floor – These muscles weaken as we age.

Infection – Urinary tract infections, STDs and prostatitis.

Endocrine Conditions – Diabetes, hypothyroidism, low testosterone levels.

Psychological and Spiritual Factors – Anxiety, depression, relationship issues.

Consultation with a primary care physician AND a urologist are recommended to rule out these and other medical conditions. They may provide treatment options as well. Studies are limited but there are promising reports of acupuncture as a treatment for DE.

Sex is different as we age – biology we have to accept. I like to describe it as a quieter sex. Just as hot but more simmering than full boil. Pleasure comes equally from giving and receiving. Orgasm may not be the goal every time. Going through the natural changes and seeing them as normal may bring you closer as a couple.

 This is advice for all my sexually active seniors:

  1. Get in shape.
  2. Make love early in the day, when testosterone levels are highest.
  3. Eat healthy – What is good for your heart is good for your penis.
  4. Maximize oral stimulation.
  5. Fantasize about sex.
  6. Do Kegel exercises.
  7. Use your imagination.

Age is not a disease. Do everything you can to OPTIMIZE the functioning of your body and mind. In answer to your second question, there is definitely hope!

Happy New Year!

Love+Medicine - Anne

As this year comes to an end I want to thank my Love and Medicine readers. With so much out there to read, I’m happy you choose me.

You never know what you’re going to get when you read my blog. That will continue in 2018.

Here’s a look at what we’ve been talking about. Kick back and browse. I’m different from a year ago. You’re different too. Take a second look. Enjoy!


FASHION

The Men’s Outerwear Conundrum
Lovely Brazilian Workout Leggings
I love my Turkish Towel…and here’s why


POETRY

Object of Desire
Steady Hand

There was a Space. Part 1
1217 Miles
Most of All
Shadow Cookies


ENTERTAINMENT

The Psychiatrist in Film
What I’m Watching


LOVE

Love and Medicine - Candy

Let’s Talk About VD
Unconditional Love:A Murder- Suicide Mystery


ASK Dr. Annie K.

Are Your Ears Ringing?
Being There for a Friend

Transition in Parenting
Transitions From Nervous to Excited
Cannabis Oil


SEX

Sex and Familiarity
Why We Need To Talk About Sex
Got Passion?
Don’t Give Up on Sex


HEALTH

Hello darkness, my old friend
Lung Cancer: A Lonely Place

5 Tricks An Old Dog Can Teach You
It’s Just Like Riding A Bicycle
The Paradox of Water
Walking (guest blogger)


FOOD

410 Calories of Magic
Gogi Berries

Spending Time in Napa Valley got me thinking about Wine
Sociology and The Lemon Bar


TRAVEL

Yes, Look Back
10 Reasons to Visit Japan (that you won’t find in the guide book…)

Studenthue – The Student Cap
Love and Medicine Goes Global!


LIFE

Love+Medicine Meteor Shower

Life As a Gypsy
Hula Hoops

My Son bought Bitcoin…
What Happens in Vegas Does NOT Stay in Vegas
16 Things You Don’t Know About Me
The Winter Solstice and Other Musings
The Weekend is Almost Here
Things I’ve Learned this Week
12 Things I Want to Do This Summer
My Summer List Update


RELATIONSHIPS

Platonic Love
The Winter-Spring Romance


SPORTS

Somebody Turn On The Game