Soup

There’s a tradition in our family started by Eva, my dad’s wife, to make a big pot of soup and have it ready when someone comes home from a trip. When you are jetlagged, the last thing you want to do is go out to a restaurant or cook. After a shower, opening the refrigerator and seeing a beautiful pot of soup in the fridge is nirvana. Soup made with love – you can taste the difference. 

I made a pot of homemade chicken soup and matzoh balls about two months ago in anticipation of Jeff coming back from Israel. He had been there since January, working in a busy Emergency Department in Ashdod, Israel. Today, I am defrosting the soup made for him. I don’t think I’m going to see him for a while.

I know for some of you it’s tough to quarantine with family. Tempers are short. You don’t have the usual distractions. But quarantining alone is no picnic. Everyone in my family is on lockdown in their prospective countries.  

My brother is staying here. He too, separated from family. And it’s kind of weird to live with your brother for weeks in the house you grew up in. It just adds to the surreality. 

We are both in Milwaukee with our 99 year old father. Even for a Holocaust survivor this current situation “feels like the end of the world”. He watches at a distance, as an outsider. His joie de vivre, social interaction, has been snatched from him. His hospice nurse recommends the two of us “use FaceTime or something” instead of visiting. His apartment is a short walk from my house. Going there makes me anxious but not going is even harder. Isolation and loneliness are leading to a huge decline in his quality of life.

So when I cook he wants Hungarian meals from the old country like Káposztás Tészta (cabbage and noodles), cholent and Toltott Kaposzta (stuffed cabbage). And of course soup.

Make soup for someone you love, they can taste the difference.

Pandemic Pandemonium

These are crazy-ass times. Every person in the world has been affected by COVID-19.

How we react is generally in line with our personalties. The anxious become more anxious and the cynics deny, deny, deny until they can’t anymore. Then there are people who have responded in a completely unexpected way. Those who know them are left scratching their heads thinking “I’ve never seen him like that before”.

We are being instructed how to act. We are required to follow rules to keep ourselves, our families and our communities safe. Despite social distancing we are more connected than ever before.

This virus practices diversity – it is color, background and status blind. It prefers old to young. You cannot see it or feel it but it is in the air. Or on that surface you just touched. * note to self – I need to disinfect this keyboard. It is a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or maybe there is no wrong place, it is all wrong.

We think that suddenly we are living with uncertainty. The truth is the uncertainty is always there. We think we control it by following certain traditions, symbolic dates on the calendar and rituals.

Now our markers – opening day in baseball, work, March Madness, concerts, church, NBA, buying what we need at a store – are gone.

This is our challenge as humans. We will make it work – set up home gyms, watch Netflix, work from home, catch up on nagging tasks. Making it work is not enough. We need to make this a meaningful time both mentally and spiritually. We can’t just wait until it’s over – that may be a very long time.

Freedom from Worry

Now that we understand how dangerous it is to worry, readers are asking for answers on how to control it.

Physician, Heal Thyself is an ancient proverb appearing in Luke 4:23. How can a worried psychiatrist treat worried patients? My answer? Better than a psychiatrist that doesn’t know what worry feels like.

While most of us are wary of medication, it may be beneficial, even short-term. Chronic unrelenting anxiety is toxic. Medication may be needed if anxiety is so severe that it interferes with functioning. For 50% of people diagnosed with anxiety the benefit of medication outweighs the risk. Taking medication does not label you. It is you being self aware, educated and taking care of yourself.

What about us “worried well” that worry but not severely enough for conventional medicine?

This is when I take ideas from my readers. From readers’ comments from my very popular article on Worry , I gained insightful feedback I want to share.

10 MAGICAL WAYS TO FREEDOM FROM WORRYING

Write.

Get fresh air.

Talk with someone way older than you.

Love.

Make Art.

Meditate.

Plant something.

Breathe.

Play with a dog.

Get wet.

{Can anyone find a mnemonic here?}

MOMENTUM

Momentum is everything.

Most of my readers know how much I love football. During the recent playoffs, I don’t know how many times I said/texted/tweeted the word “momentum”, but it was a lot. That sense that the team with the momentum is unstoppable, fueled by the roars from the fans in the stands. With positive momentum, the magic happens.

Momentum is a term from physics. It refers to the quantity of motion that an object has. Objects at rest do not have momentum.

Momentum runs high at the start of a romantic relationship. It is fun, playful and carefree. Both of you are reflecting over-idealized versions of each other so powerful that instincts of hunger and thirst are ignored. You believe you could live with this person in a tent until the end of time. Spending glorious days in bed in a delirious state makes it easy to ignore the tedious responsibilities of reality.

While society prioritizes this phase, the challenges of long-term relationships leave us wondering: is that all there is? The little quirks you loved at the start are now the most annoying. The two of you need to make grown-up decisions, face health and financial concerns, and cope with the drudgery of everyday life. Staying in bed all day is no longer an option and, if given the choice, many would rather be in bed alone.

**********

Has longevity made long-term relationships a mathematical impossibility? Are relationships designed for planned obsolescence?

**********

Don’t think I’m down on long-term relationships. They have great value. We just need to learn how to make them more fun.

Think about it: What made it so compelling in the beginning?

The criteria that made you an attractive mate remain the same 20, 30, and 40 years later. We do not lose our desire for adventure, spontaneity and passion. Within the context of a decades-old relationship these seem impossible. So we either accept this as is, or blame our partner or complain.

Why bother with this challenge if you have a partner and no plans to leave?

Why bother? Because not only can it save a marriage, it can enhance your life journey and lead to happier aging.

For this to happen, focus needs to shift to ourselves. It’s not about fixing the relationship. Paradoxically, stronger individuality is the catalyst for momentum.

With a long term relationship, you have the basics down. Food, protection, sleep, sex, security. As a team you navigate the tasks of raising a family, aging parents, health scares and mortgages. It feels cosy, like an old shoe.

Once the basics are stable, humans have the remarkable adaptive ability to move beyond to create music, art and literature. The key to momentum is keeping things moving.

This means men and women must be comfortable with changing it up, even in mini ways. Try out a new exercise and talk about it. I find just listening to music changes me. Recognize culinary ruts. Spend time on your own. Talk to wise elders and share stories. Consider role playing in bed. Bring more to the table. Keep the focus on yourself, not your partner.

With positive momentum we are unstoppable. At any age.

Imagine all the benefits of the stable relationship with a sprinkling of fantasy dust!

HAPPY NEW YEAR💜

loveandmedicine.com has had a great year. In case you may have missed something, here are all of the posts from 2019.

Read and reread! This year I’d love to see more comments and dialog.

ASK DR. ANNIE K. is open 24/7 and is 100% anonymous.

I know there is a lot of crap out there to read. There is an epidemic of pseudo-science and medical BS being read by millions. Would you go to a plumber to fix your teeth? Don’t go to a celebrity for medical advice. I’m guilty of it too – remember when I bought Sex Dust? That was the old me 😉. Let’s not do that. In this blog you will find facts, not fads. I do my homework.

If you are curious, the most popular post this year was How Hard Can It Be? Understanding Erectile Dysfunction. A sign I need to focus more on sex and sexual dysfunction.

Most importantly, my readers, continue to be smart and skeptical. Stay strong and open to change. Kick-ass this decade! Remember:

“It’s the small habits. How you spend your mornings. How you talk to yourself. What you read. What you watch. Who you share your energy with. Who has access to you. That will change your life.”

Anne Koplin, Author of Love and Medicine

ASK DR. ANNIE K

Post Menopause
Legitimizing Mental Illness
Breaking the Cycle
Ovulation
Pain
B12 Injections
How Mental Health Can Affect Relationships

SEX
Magic Dust and Artichokes
Understanding Sexual Dysfunction
The Lifeguard

LIFE
The Best Weekend of the Year
Hello June
Celebrate Independence
Eat A Peach
Mercury Retrograde and What Does It Have to Do With You
Hula Hoops
Friday the 13th
7 Fool Proof Tips for Fall
The Weekend
Have a Peaceful Weekend

HEALTH
Sugar, Sugar
Stopping Antidepressants
The Secret Killer in Your DNA
Self-Love

FAMILY
Intercontinental Parenting
Am I the Only One Who Thought The Marriage Story was Lousy?
How To Throw a Great Wedding
The Way to a Man’s Heart
I’m Changing My Name Again and Here’s Why
Yes, Look Back

POETRY

Inspiration

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